


What is it About You?

by captaincaitay



Series: The Call From the Light [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Movie: Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:20:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22998328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captaincaitay/pseuds/captaincaitay
Summary: The First Order is trying to stomp out the Resistance. Work on the Starkiller Base is non-stop everyday. Some work on the weapon itself, and others get to work on the fleets fighters and shuttles. One engineer sparks the interests of the commander himself. But why? What is it about this engineer that the Force and Commander Kylo Ren, seem so interested in?**not continuing, not worth the fight with people**
Relationships: Ben Solo/Reader, Ben Solo/You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Series: The Call From the Light [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1691263
Comments: 8
Kudos: 45





	1. Encounters

Starkiller Base was a lot of things, none of those being a place you would ever consider home. It was freezing cold, it held this unsettling feeling in it, and if you weren’t concerned about keeping your job, then you probably would have left as soon as you stepped onto the tarmac. But, this was your first major assignment post, and it wasn’t an opportunity you could pass up.

You didn’t work on anything too important. Did you know what they were building? No not exactly, just that it was a weapon. Your main concern was making sure that the TIE fighters and transports that came from battle or missions were back to pristine condition. Some days you pulled in a 6 hour shift, while others you felt like you could see the sun peaking over the horizon. Those days were the ones you dreaded the most. Why?

Because the only reason you had those days was when Commander Kylo Ren returned, and his command shuttle was in complete disarray. And today was one of those days.

You reveled in freedom when it and its owner weren’t on the base. Every time you were informed of a departure check being needed, you felt the happiness flow back into your life. _That_ is how much you hated that shuttle, and though you wouldn’t admit that to anyone, that is how much you hated Commander Ren as well. It made you feel like your work and time meant absolutely nothing to that man.

Well you knew it didn’t. How could someone like that care about anyone’s feelings? That’s probably the reason why you felt yourself dragging your feet as you made your way to the incoming bay. The only thing that you looked forward to at that moment was seeing your friend who hopefully had brought you a cup of coffee. Besides the tiredness felt in your eyes, your body craved that warmth.

Being an engineer is one thing, but being a female engineer felt like you were an animal on display in a cage. No, you didn’t get to wear pants like the men engineers, you had to wear a grey dress. The only thing you could add to keep your body warm (on a snow planet!) was a black turtleneck sweater underneath, and not so relatively thick black stockings. Everyday. Five days a week.

You hated the cold.

The bay doors opened to your presence and the cold air hit your body. You shivered, seeing your friend in the distance on a terminal, and thank the stars you could see not one but TWO steaming cups. You wanted to skip with joy. You made your way over, your steps echoing in the air, and your friend turned, shoving your cup towards you.

“Here, grumpy,” her sweet voice said, and you smiled, “I knew if I didn’t bring you one you’d be a raging bitch all day.”

“Your words hurt me,” you said sarcastically, but none the less you took the cup and bumped her shoulder, “but my love for you outweighs it all.”

“Shut up,” she said and you chuckled, taking a sip as you looked over her shoulder, “your transport is 30 minutes out.”

“Great,” you mumbled, taking yet another sip before putting the cup down, “can’t wait to see what’s happened to it this time.”

Reina Duune. She was one of the only other female engineers on the base (there was only 6 total), and she was your best friend. You both went to the same school, and befriended one another when you got into a fight with one of the boys who tried to put his hand up your skirt. She jumped in to defend you as well, and you both got suspended for a week. The boy? He got off scot free. To this day it made your blood boil, because it just showed that the men were seen as more important than the women.

Reina was beautiful. She made the room stop, turn, and look at her beauty when she’d enter rooms. You noticed, but she never did. Did she overshadow you? Yes, but you didn’t mind. You didn’t like being stared at by strangers. You were attractive you would say, you did garner some attention but not on the level Reina did, but then again you weren’t too upset about that.

“Don’t worry about the other fighters coming in today, I’ll finish with those while you do the shuttle,” she told you and you gasped playfully putting a hand on your heart.

“You do love me back, I always knew it,” you laughed and she followed, rolling her eyes.

“Okay joker go do your work,” she commented and you gave her pouty lips as you backed away holding your coffee.

25 minutes.

You spun around and walked over the farthest terminal in the bay. The Command Shuttle always landed here, and you needed to prepare the area for its arrival. Not only did you have to put up with Commander Ren today, but because he travelled on his own that meant General Hux was going to be here soon to greet him as well. You know how it sounds, oh you don’t like Ren and Hux? Is it because they’re men in power? No of course not. You didn’t care who had power. Hell, you didn’t like Captain Phasma either. They’re all just assholes.

20 minutes.

The area was spotless, that’s how you always left it. But there were a few crates tossed down from _somewhere_ and you groaned as you set the warm cup of your drink. You walked over to one of the crates and tried to get it to open to no avail. You squinted, trying to read the wordings on the side, but the faded letters told you nothing. You mumbled to yourself and you shoved it barely an inch. It was heavy, whatever inside weighed it down to where you could barely push it. You tried pushing it with your hips when someone jogged up behind you.

“Here, let me help you with that,” the deeper voice said, and you turned to look at the source. He was dressed in white Stormtrooper armour, but no helmet. You recognized him, but could never remember his number. Just that it started with FN. He got on your side, and you both pushed the crate to the wall.

“Thank you,” you breathed, and moved to the second crate, and he followed your lead, both of you putting your hands on the edge to push.

“Yeah of course,” he said before you both pushed hard against the crate to the wall next to the other one.

“Wonder what the hell is in these things,” you commented, feeling the heat build in your face.

15 minutes.

“No clue,” the Stormtrooper said, and you both moved to the last one, “probably not that important if it’s just left around.”

You both pushed hard on the third on, it sliding across the ground slow, “Yeah,” you grunted, “but we’re the ones having to move them.”

With one final push from you both, it went against the wall like the others. You both had to catch your breath, and you wiped your hands together to try and rub the redness out of them. His hands went to his hips and you could see a trickle of sweat down the side of his cheek. You motioned your head to him.

10 minutes.

“Are you leaving on a mission?” You asked him and he nodded.

“Yeah,” he breathed, “there’s word of Resistance activity on Jakku, we leave in a few days. Captain Phasma wanted additional training before we embarked.”

“And here I thought you wore that for fun,” you joked, and you earned a chuckle from him.

“I would trade this heavy and hot armour for rags any day,” and you smiled and shook your head, you nodded at you, “what’s your name?”

“(Y/N),” you replied, not bothering with your last name, but he extended his hand and you shook it.

“FN-2187,” he replied and you nodded. It was weird to you that they didn’t use their names. Or maybe they just didn’t remember them.

“I’m terrible as it is with names, let alone call numbers, maybe I’ll just call you Finn for short,” you commented, there seemed to be a spark in his eyes and before he could reply, you nodded behind him, “you may want to get back to your squad.”

The trooper, Finn you’d call him, turned to look behind him and noticed Captain Phasma and General Hux entering. You straightened yourself as did he, and he backed up from your presence.

“Thanks (Y/N),” he commented and you smiled waving a bit as his back turned to you and went back to join his squad. You fixed your hair and went to the terminal, pressing a few keys and standing tall as General Hux made his way over. Clean workspace, happy General, that’s all he cared about. You heard a call come in in your ear, from the pilot on the shuttle. They were inbound, and you nodded to yourself.

General Hux was finally near you, along with one of his guards (another Stormtrooper), and he stationed himself away from where you were.

“Any word from the shuttle?” He asked you. No greeting, no acknowledgement to your presence, nothing. God, you hated him.

“Yes, sir, the pilot says they’ve exited hyperspace, should be any moment now,” you replied. Just because you hated the man didn’t mean you weren’t respectful to him. It just made your life easier.

“Begin the landing procedure, then,” he said and you nodded your head. You pressed a few keys and the bay door began to open. It cracked open slowly but the cold air hit everyone quickly. Wind whipped at your face and pushed your hair back and you had to clench your jaw to stop your teeth from chattering.

You could see the shuttle in the distance, and General Hux made a comment to his guard, not so much to you, “If the commander is not piloting then that is not a good sign.”

You wanted to groan and roll your eyes. Of course it’s not a good sign, when is it ever? You hoped the damage wasn’t too extensive. But you just stood there and laced your fingers in front of you. The shuttle finally neared, and you could hear the engines slow as it pulled into the bay. As it did, it pushed more wind into your bodies, but you held your ground fine.

You looked over the body of the shuttle, not seeing much damage on the outside. It needed some cleaning maybe, and you would have to check the engines and make sure it was still in near perfect condition. The shuttle landing gear extended out, and touched the ground, and the ramp almost immediately began to lower. You straighten your posture and stare straight ahead, while the engines died in a buzz. The first to exit were the troopers who had gone with the commander, and they stood at your side as Commander Ren stepped down the ramp.

He was tall and dark, covered completely in black robes, and his presence would undoubtedly scare the average person. But not you. You had managed this whole time flying under his radar, you paid him not attention. The only time you really thought about him was when a few of the others would speculate who or what exactly was under that helmet. All you cared about was the fact you could see his fists tightened into a ball, and his posture looked angry. Hux and him spoke momentarily before they both walked off with one another.

The troopers beside you began to follow, one turning to face you as you relaxed your stance, “Just a fair warning, it’s not pretty in there.” Before you could say your thanks, you closed your eyes for a moment.

Great, this was great. Just what you wanted to hear.

You grabbed a pad from the terminal and began to walk the perimeter of the shuttle. Not too much outer damage, it was almost in the same perfect condition as it left. Maybe a couple scratches, easy to buff out, and you typed on the pad your findings. You stepped towards the ramp that led inside and took a breath to prepare yourself. Time to see what exactly the condition looked like in here.

You stepped aboard and nearly gasped. There were slashes down a side of the wall, still sputtering electrical shocks as you stood there gawking. Oh you knew what that damage was. Fucking lightsaber marks. You set your pad down on the piloting console, and walked over to the wall.

What. The. Fuck. What the _fuck_ was this guys problem? Was he really that inconsiderate that he literally fucking ripped through metal? For what! What makes someone do that?

You felt lightheaded, it was sudden and you had to hold onto the torn apart wall to hold yourself up. Your vision went fuzzy, and you blinked to try and see clear again. You heard footsteps coming your way, and you shook your head to compose yourself, and grabbed your data pad to begin ordering repairs for this..damage.

The presence stomped up the ramp, and you knew exactly who it was by the sound of it. You closed your eyes and fought back the groan you wanted so badly to let out. Fucking great.

“Is something wrong, officer,” the voice said. The filter in the helmet gave nothing away, but you could tell the tone of voice was irritated. You took a deep breath in and spun around, holding the data pad against your chest.

“Commander Ren, I’m just performing the post-flight-”

“I didn’t ask you that,” he cut you off and took a step forward to you. He was taller and bigger than you in stature, but you didn’t back off, “I asked if something was wrong.”

“I don’t know what you mean, sir,” you replied, looking up to meet his gaze. Out of the corner of your eye you could see his fist tighten. He looked you over quietly and you didn’t like that. But you didn’t avert your eyes. Look then, you wanted to say. Take a fucking picture too if you want.

What was wrong with you today?

“I would watch your tone, officer,” he commented, and that made you raise a brow, “you should feel nothing but gratefulness for the _opportunity_ you have with the First Order.”

 _What_ did that mean. What? Tone of voice?

“Yes, sir,” you replied. He looked you over once more, and turned to walk down the ramp. Your shoulders relaxed, and all you could think was what an opportunity it was to clean up after someone who acted like such a child.

He stopped in his tracks, and you stared at his back. Commander Ren looked over his shoulder for a moment and finally left the shuttle. You let out a breath of relief, and looked back to the wall. What a weird morning already.

The day seemed to drag on as you put in work orders for everything that was needed. You were in what you would call your office, that was shared with three other people. You sat down in a chair that was right in front of a larger terminal, easier to work on then the one in the bay, and you were busy typing away what you needed. You also couldn’t help but go over the events that had transpired that day. You shook the thoughts from your mind when the door to the room opened.

“You missed all the fun today,” your friend Reina said to you. She sat at the terminal she claimed was hers, and spun her chair to face yours, but you had to keep typing as she spoke, “I’d say there’s one hell of a Resistance pilot out there.”

“Hey if you want to switch, be my guest and you can finish all these work orders,” you threw back at her.

“That bad?”

“That bad,” you replied and shrugged your shoulders, “just because you have a lightsaber doesn’t mean you should just use it to trash your own shuttle. Especially when someone else had to clean up the mess.”

Reina shook her head, “Yes but they don't care about that. They know someone is going to fix it so it doesn’t matter what they do.”

You sighed, finishing the last work order you had to punch in. 22 requests needed within the next day. It was going to be a long 48 hours for you and the team who’d be assigned to assist you. You spun your chair to meet Reina’s face.

“I didn’t think when I joined the First Order I’d just wind up being someone’s maintenance bitch,” you commented and she gave you a sad smile, “it just doesn’t feel like my work is that important.”

“But it is,” she replied, “hell without you no one could fix that thing. Even I don’t know how the ins and outs of it, but as someone who helped develop its plans-”

“But no one knows I helped develop the shuttle plans. That’s the problem, they’re long gone with promotions and making twice as much as I do.”

Reina extended her hand for you to take, and you did, and she clasped her other hand over it, “You’re going to get the recognition you deserve one day. It sucks it’s not now, but it’ll happen. Too damn smart for it not to.”

Reina always knew how to help you feel better. You gave her a sad smile and off you two went to get some kind of food into your systems.

2300 hours.

You had finally made it back to your room. It was decently sized, you couldn’t really complain. But the metal walls, metal bed that held your mattress (if you could call it that), no decorations, and a bathroom with a decent refresher. You reached behind your back to unzip your uniform, struggling to reach the zipper. You stopped when there was a beep at your door. You sighed, and walked back over, and instead undid your hair that was in a ponytail all day, letting your hair relax. You didn’t know who it was, but you ruffled your hair as you pressed a button near the door and allowed it to open.

Were you expecting Commander Ren to be there? No. Absolutely not, and you could not hide your surprise.

“Commander Ren-”

He walked into your room without paying you any mind. You stood at the door for a moment and blinked trying to comprehend what the fuck was going on.

“Please, come in,” you muttered and turned to face him. The door to your room shut, and almost immediately, Commander Ren’s hand extended out, and there was a grip around your neck. You gasped, the air exhaling your body as you struggled to breathe.

“Your thoughts are too loud,” he said, taking a step forward, his hand pinched like it was around your throat.

“What do you mean,” you tried to manage but it didn’t really come out that audible. But he heard you.

“Don’t play stupid, (Y/L/N),” you shook your head, almost feeling like your eyes were going to flutter close, and right then he released his grip on you and you gasped for air.

“Every thought since I’ve returned, I could hear each one,” he said, and you rubbed your throat, “your attitude towards me are the loudest thoughts you have.”

“You just fucking choked me,” you shook your head, “I don’t even know what you’re going on about!”

“Don’t talk to me like that,” he warned you, and you stood straight, “you incompetence annoys me.”

“My incomp-” you stopped yourself from continuing this charade, “y’know what? Please get out.”

“No.”

“No? What do you mean no?!”

He took another step forward, and you swallowed the lump in your throat. Kylo Ren towered over you once again that day, you would lie if you didn’t say he made you nervous.

“I’m making you nervous,” he said and you blinked at him. Stop doing that!

“What is it about you,” he said again, and looked over you, “why is the Force connecting us like this.”

“Please leave,” you asked again. You didn’t know if his eyes were locked with yours, but he moved around you and to your door. Without saying a word, you relaxed, and rubbed your shoulder. What the fuck was that? You forcefully reached around your back and barely reached the zipper on your uniform, and pulled it down, and let your clothes hit the floor. You walked to your bathroom that held the refresher in it and continued to strip down, desperately needing a shower. Anything to get today’s grime off of you.

You turned the refresher on and stepped into the warm water. You didn’t know what Commander Ren meant, by any of it, but you tried not to think too much about it. Since he could (apparently) hear what you were thinking. You cleared your mind as you washed your body down. You stayed in there until the water started to turn cold, and you turned it off and carefully exited, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around yourself.

The only thought in your head right now was getting into bed and getting some rest for tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my first ever kylo piece. i have never written him before, but idk re-watching the new movies something just sparked? i have an idea for this but don't want it it be too similar to anything else im writing, but i just love writing strong characters LOL especially ones that aren't afraid to tell it how it is. hopefully this doesn't offend people with the hate towards the authoritarian figures. but hux and phasma were dicks tbh. kylo, while rough around the edges now, he'll warm up. eventually.
> 
> edit to add: shit has hit the fan. i can't fit my whole tumblr explanation in here, so please visit think link to learn what the fuck.
> 
> https://avengersassemble-fics.tumblr.com/post/611636244359806976/im-quite-literally-shaking-typing-this-so-sorry-if


	2. Stronger Connections

It was sunny and warm. The heat danced across your skin as you made your way through some trees with a few other women. They towered over you, protecting you in a way. Everything around you was hazy, nothing that you could really make out. The trees fell around you, and the only thing you could see was smoke. Dark and thick as it entered your lungs you cried out for your mother, but no one came. You cried until the heat in your lungs didn’t allow you to anymore. 

Gasping you shot awake in your bed. Sweat was trickling down your body and the blanket that had once covered you was thrown onto the floor You blinked as you tried to focus your eyes on the darkness around you. The familiar metal walls of the Starkiller Base surrounded you and you breathed out a sigh of relief, of what you didn’t know. You swung your legs over the edge of your bed and ran a hand through your hair. You hadn’t had those dreams since you were a child. You thought you had all but pushed those memories of your past behind you. Obviously not. You stood carefully and the lights in your room kicked on automatically, you went to the pad in the wall and it awakened with your touch.

0300 hours.

You sighed, glancing back at your messy bed and knowing you wouldn’t be falling asleep any time soon. You looked to your door that led to the hallway and didn’t even think twice about your plan. You’d go and have a quick workout and come back, shower, and maybe get some more rest before your shift call at 0800 hours. You slid some socks on and casual shoes that helped alleviate the arch in your foot, and you made sure to change out of the sweaty shirt you had on and into a fitted tank top. The material helped cool your body down and out the door you went.

One thing you had really enjoyed while training with the First Order was when you got to spend some alone time throwing punches at a punching bag. It was old school, but it was something you enjoyed taking your frustrations out on. The training room wasn’t very far from your quarters and when you put in your access number (universally used, like an ID number) it opened for you. The cool air hit you and you relaxed your shoulders, if only you had the time for reconditioning to get this knot out of your back. Maybe then you’d be a little chipper. You walked inside and turned to the panel by the door, making sure to request the doors to remain locked for the next hour. That’s all you would need.

You walked over to the set up in the corner of the room, and a panel in the wall opened up, bags were hung neatly and you had to pick it up and hang it on the stand close by. You exhaled heavily in preparation, and grabbed at the chain and pulled it off of the hook it was on, and made your way over to the stand. The bags were heavy and your arms shook under the pressure, but you were quick to get it over and onto the hook of the stand, and it bounced with the momentum. You sighed and rubbed your hands together, while another panel opened next to you. Inside were white bandages to use on your hands and you began rolling them around your fists tightly.

It may sound sadistic but that’s all you did was wrap and tie your knuckles for safety, but didn’t reach for the thicker gloves. Instead you let the panel close as you finished tying your right hand. Right now you just wanted to feel something other than that pain in your chest.

Of course, powers beyond you had other plans. You heard the doors to the room open and close, but the presence that came inside you knew without having to look. You stared at the bag, feeling them moving closer.

“The doors were locked for a reason,” you said to them. Not that they would care. You had made it known they didn’t care about others' feelings. You corrected your stance and balled your hands into fists, and started to punch the bag.

“Your persistent thoughts have kept me up for several hours,” the voice said. You threw a hard punch at the bag, feeling it ripple through your hand.

“You keep saying that and I still have no clue what you mean,” you replied. You knew he was coming closer, watching you, but you kept punching. Right, left, right, right, left.

“Your dreams though have been the most vivid.”

That made you stop, taking heavy breaths as you steadied the bag. He wanted a reaction from you, and he got it. You still hadn’t met his gaze, instead you stared at the wall. Kylo walked closer to you until he was in the view of your peripheral, right by your side.

“The warmth, the trees, but that fire.. what happened in that fire I wonder,” he egged you on. You started to unwrap your hands.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” you warned him, “ _ that  _ is none of your concern.”

“Oh but it is,” he tried to push you. You scoffed and took your worn bandages and threw them in the trash nearby. He followed your movements as you moved to another area with a mat.

“If you think I would ever let you see that willingly, you’re out of your mind. Or that I would tell you.”

“Is that why you’re blocking me from your thoughts,” he asked while you grabbed a practice staff. Your movements were stopped when he got right in front of you.

“How are you doing it,” he wondered. You didn’t know if he was asking you or was talking more to himself, but he continued, “you’re quiet now.”

You felt both of your heat mixing together as his larger body loomed over yours. You swallowed the lump that had formed in your throat, and instinctively shoved the staff into his chest.

“Do you want to keep talking or do you want to train with me?”

You let it go and watched as he kept the staff in his grasp. You backed away, studying him nonetheless and smiled to yourself when he removed the black cloak that covered his shoulders always. What you didn’t expect was to see him reach for his helmet, the front vocoder sliding open, and the helmet coming off.

You had never seen Kylo Ren without his helmet. He had beautiful porcelain skin and long hair that framed his face well, but what you were stuck on were his eyes. His eyes looked to peer into your soul, and you caught yourself faltering.

“It’s time someone taught you to watch your mouth,” he commented, twirling the staff in his hand. It snapped you out of your trance, and you both began to circle one another.

“My friends happen to love my wittiness,” you threw back at him.

“You mean  _ friend _ .”

You stopped, placing a hand on your heart, mimicking how you did with Reina just hours earlier, “That hurt me deeply, Commander Ren.”

You both took a step closer to one another, and you twirled the staff in your hand too. You thought you had mastered this back in training, honestly sparring was one of the more fun things you had gotten to do. But standing here now, face to face with Kylo Ren of all people, you felt you needed to prove yourself.

You didn’t want to attack first, but you needed to see how he reacts, his movements. So you moved closer, and moved to strike his side. You weren’t expecting him to react so quickly and harsh, he had nearly taken you by surprise.

Key word there as nearly.

One strike had turned into fighting him off, dodging blow after blow until suddenly, you felt your legs fly from under you. You hit the mat and the air escaped your body by the impact. You were shocked, not knowing what the fuck had just happened. You lifted yourself up on your elbows, and thought you could see the look of smugness on his face as he twirled the stick again in his hand.

“That was fucking dirty,” you said, pulling yourself up and grabbing your staff along the way.

“It was fair.”

“There’s nothing fair in life, Commander, just those who have an advantage over the other,” you replied. He paused for a moment and you grinned, and took that as your chance.

He wanted to play dirty then fine. You would play dirty too. 

He didn’t expect you to charge him, but he easily blocked each hit you made, starting to remember how you pushed him. He wasn’t even breaking a sweat. 

But what you did next did take him by surprise. 

You adjusted your grip on the hilt of the staff, each step forward came with a jab in the air, which he easily avoided stepping back. Up, down, and up again, your quick feet managed to push him into the wall, grabbing a hold of his wrist that held the staff and twisting it down. He grimaced, the wind being knocked out of his body now. 

Hmm. 

With his back pressed against the wall, your elbow held him there as you grinned almost ear to ear. He wanted to roll his eyes but he was still trying to figure out how you did that. The pair breathed heavily, their hot breathing mixing together and you had to look up at him.

“My point,” you said and released him, taking a number of steps backwards from his body. Kylo rolled his shoulders backwards, taking powerful steps forward. 

“Best two out of three,” he said, before raising his staff and going for the offensive. You looked like you were actually having fun. He would squash that feeling quickly. This time he held nothing back, visibly knocking you backwards and further off the mat. He could see that happiness fade from your eyes. And he dealt another sick blow, knocking the staff from your hands. You fell to the floor ass first, skidding to stop as he pressed his staff to your body this time. 

He breathed heavily, “I win.”

A smile formed on your lips, “Are you sure Commander?”

His eyes ran down your arm, to see you still had your staff laced in your fingers, and pressed firmly against his side. He shot his eyes back to yours, that happiness back like a twinkle in your eyes. 

“How did you-“

“I have my own tricks,” you offered and he stood from his spot gazing down at you. He didn’t offer any help to you to help you up, so you stood on your own. Was the Commander  _ upset _ that you played him at his own game?

“A tie then,” he said, throwing a glance your way. You nodded, and offered your hand to him. Your chest still heaved as you caught your breath. The Commander looked from your face down to your hand, and after a moment he shook your hand firmly. His black gloved hand seemed to almost completely cover yours, but it didn’t last long. Silently, the two of you walked over to put the staff back where you had found them, and you tried your best not to watch him throw his cloak back on, and cover his face with that helmet.

Honestly, you didn’t know why he covered his face. Even if you hated him, he was very good looking.

You swallowed the lump in your throat, feeling his gaze on you once more, “What now?”

“You aren’t blocking me anymore,” he said and you grumbled. Fucking great.

“Goodbye, Commander.”

—————

You returned to your quarters and took another hot shower, quicker this time so you could drag your ass back to bed. The soreness in your body felt better then the heartache that was there earlier. You managed to get a whole whopping 3 hours of rest before you woke up again for another day of work.

You dressed in a similar grey dress, clean of course, black turtleneck, and stockings. You laced your boots up and were out the door in enough time to nearly slam into your friend. 

“Perfect timing,” she said, handing you a data pad, “they need electrical work done on the shuttle being used tomorrow for Phasma’s squadron. It’s you and me assigned.”

“Shouldn’t be too hard,” you commented, taking the pad from her hands and scrolling through the details quickly, “shouldn’t take more than two, three hours top.”

“Hm, don’t know too much about that,” she said as you both walked side by side down the hall, it was busier than usual this morning, “Turner and Andrews worked on it the last time it needed work.”

“Great,” you grimaced, offering her a fake smile, “that definitely changes things. I’m gonna have to check the command shuttles repairs at the end of the day then.”

Reina clapped a happy hand onto your shoulder, “And while you do that, I have a hot date tonight.”

“No,” you teased and she laughed beside you, you held the data pad to your chest, “Matteo  _ finally  _ had the guts to ask you?” Reina nodded with a smile on her face, clapping her hands together.

“He sure did, and I can’t wait to get him alone and--”

“Okay there, sunshine,” you stopped her as you both came to the large bay doors for one of the maintenance bays, you both inputted your codes and waited for the door to open, “I already know how much you’ve been dying to fuck the guy, I don’t necessarily need a play by play.”

She laughed and grabbed the pad from you, “What’s the point of friends if I don’t tell you all about the constant thought of him and his--”

“Reina,” you warned and she only giggled. You rolled your eyes playfully as you entered the bay. Since this one was only used for repairs, it was relatively warmer than the one you often found yourself in. You were met with a larger transport shuttle, dark grey just like all the others. It looked in perfect condition, just the way you liked it. 

Reina took the liberty to walk the perimeter and look over the notes for anything having to do with the outer layer, and you had to grab a secondary tablet from the nearby terminal before heading into the shuttle itself. You scrolled through as the dim lights around you didn’t do much for your sight. You felt around the top of the shuttle to try and find the auxiliary switch to turn on the lights inside. Your fingers finally felt the tiny switch and you flipped it, the shuttle lighting up just a bit more. Odd, something you’d need to look at.

You set the tablet down nearby, and put your hair up quickly. There was a panel on the wall nearby you needed to open, and with the right wiring you could get the lights back to normal. You easily pried the panel off and it fell into your arms, and you looked over the shitty wiring job Turner and Andrews had done before. A lot of it didn’t even make any sense, but you didn’t want to waste time thinking about it when you could just fucking fix it.

You always had to fix things.

The pain in your back seemed to get stronger, and that lightheaded feeling started to return. You hesitated putting the panel back against the wall as the lights around you went back to their true hue, and you turned around to grab your pad. There one the other side of the shuttle, was Commander Ren again.

“What the fuck-” you mumbled to yourself.

“So you can see me,” his voice rang, but it almost felt like the noise had rang in your ears. Not that you actually heard it.

“Yes of course I can, how did you sneak in-”

“I didn’t,” he cut you off. You blinked at him, and shook your head.

“I don’t have time for this right now, Commander, I’m working,” you pleaded with him. You grabbed the tablet you had set down and started to scroll through it once more. You just wanted to ignore him.

What was up with this guy?

“I need you to meet with me when your shift has ended, is that understood?” he ordered you. Your eyes shot up from the tablet.

“Sir, if I don’t follow up with the repairs for your shuttle then your departure will most likely be delayed--”

“I’m ordering you to meet with me, promptly after your shift ends.  _ Is that understood _ ?” he pressed more firmly. Your irritance grew stronger. You closed your eyes just for a moment to collect yourself, and when you opened them to tell him where to shove it, he was gone.

Honestly? The day couldn’t get any weirder or worse.

You spent a few more hours working alongside Reina, and burnt yourself twice trying to rework some of the fucked up wiring that had been placed before you two were assigned to this job. Lunch had rolled around, but you opted to work through it so you could spare enough time to check in on the command shuttle. The Commander could wait a few minutes.

It was nearing 1800 hours, but you were sat on top of the shuttle, going over the final touches of Reina and your masterpiece. You were just wielding the outer panel back on when a head popped up from the ladder you used to come up on. It was not your friend, so you continued your work. Behind the helmet you had to protect you against the sparks, being able to ignore people definitely came easier under this. You began to see the appeal Commander Ren must have had when he worse his.

Man if he really could read your thoughts, he wasn’t going to like that one. But it made you smile.

The voice called your name, and you wondered what would possess someone to try and rip away someone’s attention who was holding a fucking laser welder. It was almost like everyone just ignored the safety classes they were all given. The asshole part of you wanted to continue to ignore him, but the irritated part won. You switched the welder off and raised the helmet from your head, your hair falling messy around you.

“There had better be a good fucking reason for interrupting me,” you said the younger male. You could see him resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

“The Commander has requested your presence in the command center.”

_ Of course he has _ .

“The Commander can wait a few minutes while I finish this last piece of work,” you threw back at him. He blinked at you, and you turned back to the welder in your hand. When you were about to flip the switch back on, a pain on your right temple made you stop.

“Fine,” you mumbled, and carefully sat down the welder. You carefully walked over to the ladder and waited for the man to climb down the ladder, and then you followed. You tried your hardest not to mention the fact that his eyes were staring up your dress as you climbed down.

Pants. The one thing you hoped the First Order would give you was pants for fucks sake.

You had started to walk out when you passed Reina who was heading back to the shuttle, “Panel 238 still needs to be welded down and it should be good to go!” you called to her, but you had to quickly make your way to the command center. While yes it was public knowledge of where it was, you had personally never been there. With each step you took you felt your breathing get heavier, from what you weren’t too sure. A stormtrooper stood at the entrance, and you nodded at him, but the opening was large and the command center was filled with people. Like you said, you didn’t know what weapon was being built here, but by the look of things it was a massive one. Or on a massive scale. Your eyes scanned the room for any sign of the Commander, before they landed on what you would assume was a meeting room. You made your way over, and input your code into the panel. The doors opened for you automatically and when you stepped inside you had to hide the shock on your face.

Not only was it Commander Ren, but General Hux and Captain Phasma were there as well. They had seemed to have been discussing something, but your presence made them stop and turn to you. General Hux was the one who motioned to the table, and a chair close to him for you to sit at.

“Officer (Y/L/N), please,” he said and you obliged. You walked to the chair and sat in it, and General Hux sat at the head of the table to your left. Or you sat to his right really.

“How long have you been on Starkiller Base?” he asked. You nodded.

“Almost two years sir,” you answered. The General nodded, you think he liked that answer, and he folded his hands together and placed them on the table.

“Your current assignment is with the engineering team, correct?”

“Yes, sir,” you answered again. If he knew the answer to these questions, why was he asking you. Again, he nodded.

“Your work has been exceptional, as stated by your peers and superiors on the team. I took it upon myself to look into your training records, and I must say I’m impressed,” he pressed his fingers on the table, and suddenly your whole file was infront of him. Your eyes glanced from the display to him, not too sure where this was headed.

“It says here that you had exceptionally well scoring when it came to computer sciences and data retrieval, one of the best in your class,” the General stated and you nodded, “your focus in that field was programming.”

“Yes sir, that’s correct. My superiors thought it best to stick with mechanical engineering overall.”

“Yes I see that,” he commented, and you finally glanced at Kylo behind him. He stood there with his arms crossed and you could only look at him for a moment.

“Officer, the reason you’re here is because of the impending mission the Captain’s squad and Commander Ren are about to embark on. There is an ancient artifact that we need to retrieve from the Resistance, that needs to be decoded immediately,” he paused to gauge your reaction, but you didn’t offer any type of emotion on your face, “we believe you would have the capability to do that.”

You didn’t answer for a moment, your thoughts running rampant through your mind. You hadn’t done programming in the two years you had been here, well not one a level like that. Your last real project was when you were unknowingly helping to design the command shuttle that Commander Ren used to this day. It wasn’t that you doubted your skills, but you were uneasy. But, no one could know that.

“I believe I could be of assistance.”


	3. A Blast

Your feet carried you back to your quarters faster than you had wanted. You nodded to a couple people you had passed and didn’t hesitate as you practically threw yourself through your door and it shut behind you. One hand balled into a fist and repeatedly pressed into your other palm, as you processed what had exactly just happened. You took a few steps into the center of your room and began to pace.

Okay, this would be no problem. Yes you may have never seen any kind of action before but this was going to be  _ fine _ . They had briefed you a bit on what to expect, and you knew from the name that Jakku was a pretty desert and barren planet. They weren’t expecting much Resistance activity, but the squad was going to be well prepared. You had zoned out when you felt a presence in your mind.

_ For someone so stoic, your mind is racing _ , his voice said. You fought the urge to shoot daggers at the Commander on the other side of the table.

_ Get out of my head,  _ you thought - hoping he would just leave you alone.

_ As I’ve said, you’re too loud to ignore _ , he replied. You glanced for a moment at the masked man and right back to General Hux.

_ Go read someone else’s mind, then, _ you told him and shifted in your seat.

_ It doesn’t work like that _ .

You stopped in your tracks. You had forgotten to go and check the progress on the Command Shuttle. You grumbled to yourself and straighten your posture before heading to the door, you would be quick, and come back and lay in your bed and grovel over your life decisions. The door opened for you and you stepped back into the overly familiar hallway. Your feet knew where to take you.

You hadn’t taken the time to really think about what exactly Commander Ren’s words meant, all of them over the course of the last day. Had it really only been a day? And he was already bugging you  _ this  _ much? Great. Fan-fucking-tastic. And with the news you were going along on the Jakku mission you had to deal with him even more.

You slammed into someone else’s body, knocking sideways and also back to reality. You were about to apologize when you saw who it was.

“Commander,” you greeted. He ignored you and kept walking. You stared at the back of his helmet and turned back to where you were headed. Whatever. You took a deep breath and continued on your way, making sure this time you were focused on where you were going.

The door to the bay opened for you and you were met with cold air. You shivered, but made your way over to the Command Shuttle, so far from the distance it looked good as far as the minimal repairs on the outside. You passed by a crew and nodded at them, they were the only ones in the bay besides you but with them leaving you found yourself completely alone. It was dinner time for most of the base, and the silence that filled the air was comforting to you. You did your usual routine, walking around the shuttle and looking for any imperfections (there weren't any).

The ramp was kept open and you walked onboard, not much light came in from the bay but it was enough for you to see that the wall of the shuttle was no longer in complete disarray. You instinctively ran your fingers over the metal, and a content sigh left your lips.

“Is it true?”

You jumped slightly, a hand going over your chest, as you spun around. Kylo Ren was at the bottom of the ramp, looking up at you. You closed your eyes for a moment before shaking your head.

“What?” you asked. He took slow steps up the ramp and his hand motioned around him.

“Did you help design this?” he asked, more straight forward.

You looked around, a smile gracing your lips for only a moment, “Unknowingly, yes. My final year in training a few men from this base came to the Academy and had the top performing engineers in the program design a shuttle based off a loose blueprint,” you paused to look at him, and saw he was still looking at you so you continued, “they took interest in mine and helped fine tune it. And I guess they ended up producing it.”

“They took credit,” he said and earned a nod from you, “that’s..unfortunate.”

He was careful with his wording and you raised a brow at him slightly. He moved past you to the pilot chair, his hand touching the top. You watched with curiosity, and finally broke the silence.

“What did you mean earlier? When you said that.. It doesn’t work like that?”

He turned his head slightly to look at you over his shoulder. You didn’t break the eye contact, so he turned to face you fully. You swallowed the lump in your throat. You seemed to have forgotten from the early hours to now how much bigger he was then you.

“I can’t just read people’s minds, not unless I put effort into it,” he explained, “but.. With you, you’re  _ always  _ there. Like an annoying bug.”

You scoffed, crossing your arms in front of your chest, “If it’s so annoying then why are you here, or just keep showing up. Now  _ that’s  _ annoying.”

You probably shouldn’t have said that. You noticed how his fist tightened, and his head seemed twitch. A feeling formed inside of your gut, twisting your insides and you grimaced at the discomfort. It was him. He took a step forward, his hand opening and pressure formed inside your mind.

“Need I remind you,” he nearly growled, “if you continue to irritate me, you can easily be disposed of. With no regret.”

You winced as he neared, his hold on you tightening with each inch he got closer. You nodded and he released the pressure. You hand rubbed the side of your head and he walked past you, disappearing off the ramp.

It was going to be a long week.

* * *

The Finalizer is huge, probably the biggest command ship you would ever step foot on. You had the “pleasure” of leaving with the likes of the Commander and Captain Phasma to the astronomically large ship in space. Of course by pleasure you meant you wanted to tear your hair out by how silent the pair was. There were a couple of storm troopers there, probably for your sake but who knew, and a third piloting the shuttle. Of all your years working on it, you had never been able to actually ride in it. 

It wasn’t too long of a ride (thank god) but it was enough for you to eagerly await the sweet release of stepping foot onto the Finalizer. By protocol, the troopers exited first, followed by the pilot and then by you, all to wait for the Commander and Captain to come offboard. You stood shoulder to shoulder of one another, and your eyes looked to the four shuttles that were already there, lines of Stormtroopers awaiting Captain Phasma. Your eyes looked straight in front of you as the two walked off the ramp, and past the line you all had formed. When they were a distance away, that meant the crew was dismissed. The pilot, still with their helmet on, turned to you.

“Have you been on board before?” his voice asked you, covered by the typical vocoder.

“Nope, first time,” you replied, and you took a couple steps forward to the bay doors, noticing him lingering by your side.

“I can show you around, if you like,” he offered and you waved your hands.

“No no that’s perfectly fine,” you reassured him, “I think I can find my way around.”

And he nodded, and veered off from your direction. You let out a sigh, and your eyes glanced towards the squadron of troopers, where Kylo Ren was. If he could tell you were looking his way he ignored you.

It didn’t matter to you, you just needed to find the informations level and try and see if you can get any information on what exactly you’re expected to decode. The halls of the Finalizer were more narrow and darker, and the bay doors closed behind you. People walked around you as you tried to gauge your surroundings. You felt yourself get pulled into the direction of travel and just let it take you. There was a low beeping noise than rang through the ship, indicating the Finalizer was about to jump to hyperspace. 

You pulled yourself from the traffic and stopped by a set of elevators, and pressed the call button. You found yourself tapping your foot, and thoughts you could feel the command ship going into hyperspace. The elevator doors opened and you stepped in, joined by a couple other people. The doors shut and multiple buttons were pressed, and you eyed one of the officers who had come in. They looked like an intelligence officer, maybe you should just follow them.

And you did. When the floor opened up, they exited and you did as well, to a room full of intelligence consoles, and people on them and listening intently. The person who exited the elevator seemed to sense your presence.

“Do you need assistance with something?”

You noticed his eyes glide over you, and you took a sharp breath, “I need a scramble key and data pad.”

“And why is that?” He pressed. You furrowed your brows at him.

“I don’t think Commander Ren would appreciate the unnecessary questions about  _ his _ mission,” you saw him straighten, “the scramble key and data pad. Now, please.”

He motioned for someone, and another man scurried over, holding what you needed. You took it from him and looked back to the man who had first spoken with you, “Thank you.”

You turned back to the elevator and pressed the call button, seconds passed and it opened up for you and you stepped inside. It closed and you rolled your eyes to yourself. It was irritating not being taken seriously, and having to use Commander Ren’s name to get what you needed. But, something you did remember your mother telling you was you can’t help those who don’t see you as their equal, and just to keep being you.

How naive she had been, but it was kind.

Another beep filled the air, indicating the ship exiting hyperspace. The elevator doors opened for you and you found yourself back to the floor you originally were on. You instinctively made your way back to the bay you had landed in, and was rushed past by the troopers you had originally exited with. Too caught up in your own thoughts, you didn’t notice Captain Phasma approach you.

“Officer,” she greeted, halting you in your tracks, you laid the data pad against your legs, “I hope you retrieved everything you need for the mission.

“Yes, ma’am, I did,” you said, but decided to press further, “but it would be of help to know what exactly you’re expecting to be decoded—“

“You don’t need to worry yourself with such details,” she warned you. Before you could reply, she was walking to the shuttles that were being loaded with her chosen squad. You looked over the mass of white armour, wondering if that trooper you had met earlier was there, but with the helmets there was no telling. You continued your walk to the command shuttle, the roar of engines coming to life from the transports.

You stood alongside the pilot and troopers on this shuttle, awaiting Commander Ren to join you. You pressed your feet together, rubbing the pad in your hand.

“I heard that the Resistance’s best pilot is down there,” one commented.

“Hear that, Jameson? Their  _ best pilot _ , you can see what a real man flies like,” another joked.

“The Resistance is filled with amateur people, I’m sure he isn’t so special,” the pilot next to you scoffed. You fought the urge to roll your eyes. If this was how men compared themselves to others then maybe it was best you stayed on base for all of eternity.

“I can’t believe the General of the Resistance is nothing more than a mere princess, what kind of tactic is that?”

You heard the struggle of breath, and everyone turned their heads to the Stormtrooper who was scratching at their throat. Your head turned to the source behind the line, none other than the Commander himself. A part of you was relieved it wasn’t you on the receiving end, but the other part was filled with confusion.

“We do not speak of the Resistance here,” Kylo Ren spoke, “let’s not forget who was nearly shot down by one of the Resistance pilots just days ago,” he released his hand and the trooper gasped, “you should spend more time training and less talking. You’re dismissed.”

The trooper removed his helmet, sending daring glares at the Commander, who walked on board his shuttle. You ignored those looks and followed behind with the two remaining troopers. Mumbling something you couldn’t hear and storming away, the trooper vanished from the bottom of the ramp. It began to close and you busied yourself strapping yourself into a chair across from the Commander. You laid the devices you carried in your lap as the engines were switched on, and the pilot made a comment.

“They’ve engaged hostile, sir,” he warned Commander Ren.

Suddenly, a wave of nervousness washed over your body. You had never seen any kind of combat since arriving at Starkiller Base, and as the shuttle lifted into the air and into space outside the air locks, you took a deep breath. Your eyes flickered to the helmet of the Commander, who you felt was staring at you.

He was.

If he would stop staring at you, maybe you could relax.

_ Me staring at you seems to be the least of your concerns,  _ his voice echoed in your mind. You shut your eyes for a moment, and sighed quietly.

_ Why are you like this? How many times do I have to say not to read my mind or whatever this is _ ?

_ Calm down, _ he said. His voice didn’t sound like it was behind the vocoder, but like when he took his helmet off the other day to spar with you,  _ Captain Phasma will have them subdued by the time we land _ .

“Two minutes out, Commander,” the pilot said, as you felt the pull of the atmosphere (in a way, not like you could actually feel it passing through yourself).

You watched him stand, easily adjusting to the movement of the shuttle as it began to land. Two minutes passed in almost an instant. You had only unbuckled yourself when the shuttle was fully landed and the ramp opened. You watched as he walked off the ramp and into the darkness of Jakku.

He did have style, you could admit that much. You guess.

You quieted your nerves, no sound of blaster fire as you stepped behind the Commander and the two troopers. The sight before you was favorable for the First Order, the large mass of stormtroopers towered over the few resistance there was, Commander Ren focused on one older man.

“Look how old you’ve become,” he said, his vocoder evening his tone of voice.

“Something far worse has happened to you,” the older man said back.

You felt the irritability in your mind, seeing him tighten his fist, “You know what I’ve come for.”

“I know where you come from. Before you called yourself Kylo Ren.”

Anger filled your mind now. It almost felt too much and you winced, watching the scene unfold before you, Kylo motioned for his men, and the two Stormtroopers you travelled with moved forward, gripping the old man, and reaching throughout his pockets.

“The map to Skywalker. We know you’ve found it, and now you’re going to give it to the First Order,” he spoke, placing his hands behind his back. Suddenly, one of the troopers pulled something from the mans jacket, walking over to the Commander, who took it in his fingers. He looked it over in his hand, and then turned to you, walking over and placing it in yours.

_ Coordinates _ .

You nodded to yourself as you turned the artifact in your fingers. It felt like metal, looked like metal, but you didn’t know what kind. Commander Ren turned back to the old man as you attached the slicer to the device, and to the data pad. As quick as you could, you worked through the data in front of you, basic codes, and star systems flowing through your mind.

You stopped over one piece of information. Your fingers graced the screen, and looked back to the Commander. He knew you looked at him, but ignored your look.

“It’s a fake.”

That got his attention though, almost looking back at you with anger, “What?”

“It’s a fake, sir,” you repeated. Your eyes going back to the old man, who you noticed looked to almost have a smirk on his face. Commander Ren turned back to him.

“I’m not interested in your games, old man,” he warned.

“The First Order rose from the dark side.. You did not.”

Commander Ren shook his head, and you could see him reach for his lightsaber, “I’ll show you the dark side.”

The old man shook his head, and you shifted your weight between your feet. It didn’t have to go on like this, but just as quickly as the thought entered your mind, a thing of pain did as well.

“You may try, but you cannot deny the truth that is your family.”

Commander Ren’s saber ignited, shooting in a cross guard creating a disturbance in the flow, but he meticulously brought it above his head, “You’re so right.”

He rips it across the old man's body, and you close your eyes at the impact. A voice yells from farther away, and your head snaps in the direction. A man, dressed like a pilot, stood from the distance, blaster trained on your direction, and two shots were fired. Commander Ren outreaches his hand, stopping one of the blaster fires from hitting his back. But the other wasn’t so lucky.

The blast was enough to send you back into the sand, knocking the wind from your body. It was a fine tuned shot on your stomach, which with a glance and by the touch of your fingers, you could tell it was bloody. You panicked as a couple Stormtroopers came to your side, one with a trickle of blood down their helmet, and the other placing a hand over your bloody torso. Stop the bleeding, wrap it up, you didn’t know.

You stared up at the starry night sky, your breathing frantic as a couple of voices tried to get your attention. You couldn’t focus though on their words, letting one take your head into their hands.

Oh. The one you had met a few days ago. Finn you would call him.

As he did that it allowed you to see the Commander. His powers had allowed the pilot to almost be frozen in spot, and a couple of troopers to grab him. He was looking to you, maybe who really knew, but heaviness filled your mind, and in an instance — everything went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! I just wanted to say that I had taken this last week as my spring break break seriously lol. but I'm back now and ready to keep sharing these stories with y'all :) also sorry if there are any grammatical errors. I did my best but I've lost two beta readers already and idk can't keep waiting on them to read through the works before publishing so.


	4. Bruised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there. sorry its taken awhile to update this. honestly after the lackluster response to my other fic I kinda just got really sad. and with work it hasn't helped. im just frustrated and upset with things and needed time to kinda cool down. sorry this is a shorter chapter, but I think it just fits for this right now. this had to be discovered but I din't want to push it. this is also a warning: I do mention feelings of anxiety, shortness of breath, so pls be weary if that triggers you.

Heaviness. Pain. An overwhelming amount of heaviness.

What. The. Fuck. Happened?

That was everything you felt as you struggled to open your eyes. The heaviness that ran through your body at the moment felt like a 60 pound blanket was placed on you, even your face. When you managed to get your eyes open, all you could see was what you assumed to be the ceiling. Something pricked your arm as you flitted your fingers over the relatively thin sheet over you. A groggy sound came from your lips as you felt something grip your other hand, cupping your hands and standing above you. Tilting your head to look the other way, you met the eyes of the familiar Stormtrooper. Your brow furrowed a bit as you tried to push yourself up more.

“Hey-woah, take it easy there,” he warned you, but you kept trying to push your elbows up. He helped you by stacking another pillow behind you so you sat up a bit more, and placed a hand over your torso, where you thought you remembered you were shot.

Shot. That’s right. That Resistance pilot took a shot at the Commander and hit you instead. You blinked, trying to remember that night but all you could remember was blacking out after meeting the Commander’s look. You didn’t feel pain, nothing. Just darkness.

“What happened,” you asked, your voice raspy since you haven’t spoken in awhile. You continued to rub the spot, not feeling much pain there if you were being honest.

“There was a Resistance pilot on Jakku,” he started, his gloved hand still holding yours, “he shot at the Commander but one of the shots hit you instead.”

“After that,” you blinked, “I don’t remember after that.”

He nodded, “Well you ended up blacking out as we tried to stop the bleeding, we had to transport you back here on the Command Shuttle. It. . . It didn’t look good there for a moment, you were bleeding too much,” he paused and you just stared at him, “just when we thought that, well. . . You were gone, the bleeding just stopped,” he looked down at where your hand rested, “in fact it healed almost immediately.”

You followed his eyes to your hand and brought your finger to the hem of the shirt you were wearing and lifted the edges to reveal your bare stomach. You glared at the noticeably bare spot, the fact that your skin still looked  _ almost  _ perfectly smooth made you uncomfortable. The only indicator something happened was a decently sized bruise, purple and yellow around the edges. You put the fabric back down and looked back to your companion, who stared at you with an intense look.

“Stop looking at me like that,” you warned, taking your hand from his grasp. He put his hands on his legs.

“Do you know how you did that?” He asked. You rolled your eyes.

“How can I even know? Or if I even did? I was nearly dead as you so graciously pointed out,” you replied. Before he had a chance to respond, a medical droid came through the automatic door and made him leave. Before the Stormtrooper left the room, he pointed at you and said the conversation wasn’t over, but you ignored him. The lingering fact that holy shit you almost died stuck in your mind well after he left. The medical droid performed a number of tests on you, and everything came back normal and it stated you were well enough to be discharged.

Normal. Healthy. But you didn’t feel so. Not when it gave you a change of clothes, loose shirt and loose pants in a plain basic color, not when you had to push through each movement to get the clothing on, and especially not when you exited the medical center. You had to blink and squint to see what was around you, and that was a few people walking through the corridors minding their own business. You were given all your gear you came aboard with, including the tablet you were using on the mission. You lazily powered it on, and slowly went through information to find your orders. You were still aboard the Finalizer, and your temporary quarters were listed, along with the floor information and you had to make your way just down the corridor. Hopefully not too far.

Each step felt like you weighed like a rock. Everything around you just felt heavy as you pushed along. Why did it still feel like this? Your head felt stuffed with pressure, you had to squint just to see before you.

Come on. You’re better than this. Toughen up.

The number beside each door grew closer to yours, 3263827. There must be a lot of rooms on this cruiser for that to be so high. The closer you got, the more foggy your head felt, the more blurred your vision and the more it took for you to take a step. It was too much and you felt yourself sway, only a few doors down from where you knew a cot would be. You had to hold onto the wall, your breathing even heavy in your chest.

No. This was a panic attack.

The pressure in your body felt too much. You pressed your back against the metal wall and felt the cool feeling against your back. You folded your arms in front of you as you tried to force air into your body. Something was not the same inside you and you couldn't pinpoint it, and it was too much for you. You tried to focus on that cool feeling on your back but it was fading too fast.

Something appeared before you, no—someone was standing before you. Towering above you. Your eyes trailed up the black figure before you and you met your reflection in black helmet. Kylo Ren stood before you, silent and observant. The struggle and heaviness you felt he could feel it as well. As soon as you were released and he was notified, he had come down.

He knew what was happening, he was familiar with it. But that was not information he would share. But he. . . Could offer assistance. The panic in your thoughts though reminded him of his, he didn’t act until he heard that plea. It didn’t leave your lips, just rang through your minds.

_ Help me, please _ .

Expressionless, his hands extended to your crossed arms, resting below your elbows as he made you peel yourself from the wall. He didn’t pull you, but willed you to move on, even if it was too hard for you at the moment. Just a little further until you could collapse. You could do it. He walked behind you, as you slowly made it past one door, two more, almost there to your quarters. Beside him, his hand was flexed in a way that forced you forward, forward, forward.

It was too much.

You swayed again, only this time the Commander caught you as you stumbled back against him. His hands rested on your arms, and for a moment he paused, unsure of what to do. He didn’t have much time to think as he felt a presence coming down the corridor, one he  _ desperately  _ wanted to avoid. Someone he greatly detested. In one fell swoop he put one of your arms over his shoulder, and the other looped under your legs and lifted you into the air. Your head dangled down past his arm, you had lost all control over your limbs, and he slid down to the next door, inputted his own code, and quickly entered your temporary quarters.

With the door closing to conceal you both, he brought you over to the bed and practically threw you down. You bounced for a moment, letting out a groan as you grasped your head. It felt like there was a ship's engine in there, and you mumbled.

“Dick,” you managed.

“Glad to see your smart mouth isn’t too exhausted,” he stepped back and paused for a moment. He watched you roll your eyes and almost smirk, until you closed your eyes tightly.

“Are you doing this?”

Kylo stared at you wiggle on the bed. He could feel the pressure and the pain that coursed through your body. He looked at his hands for a moment.

“No,” he lifted his hands to his helmet and carefully removed it. The sound it released caught your attention and you watched him place it down on a table and walk back to you. As he walked he removed his gloves before he stood over you. He set them down on the edge of the bed.

“Do you trust me?”

It was a simple question. Well. . . In that  _ moment  _ it was a simple question. You blinked a couple of times before the pressure stung you again in your head, through your body and to your fingers and toes. You winced, and nodded.

Kylo carefully sat himself on the edge of the bed, and reached for your hands that gripped your head. He had to practically pry them from your scalp, fingernail marks in your palms and he set them to your side. You grimaced before he carefully placed his hands on each side of your head, and your eyes shot open to look at him. His eyes were shut but he furrowed his brows.

“Stop looking at me,” he warned. You obliged, instead focusing on his rather large hands enveloping your head. His fingers pressed against different areas of your scalp and in a few moments you felt hot. It was too hot. Like you were being burned, like that pressure was set on fire. You grimaced beneath him, and he pushed his hands firmer on you. He was attempting to clear your thoughts, but they were fighting back. Curiosity, anger, darkness was filled in your mind. He glared behind his eyelids, focusing more of his energy into you. He was fighting it, and it didn’t like it.

No, not it.  **He** didn’t like it.

The heat moved down your entire body, and locked your arms at your sides which caused you to gasp. He was close to losing, but he pressed further. He had to clear the presence,  _ now _ . He didn’t know how much more you could handle, he could feel your mind slipping. He could feel the way your head started to tilt to one side and he had to force you to stay straight up. He fought it, a light sweat developing on his forehead, but he needed more.

He didn’t ask permission, he just pushed through to your thoughts, more so your memories. There was a specific one he was looking for, one he had seen himself, one he knew you’d kill him for searching for. The sun, that comfortable warmth, the large trees, come on where is it..

_ There _ .

He forced that memory forward, the memory of you, small and walking through the woods. But it was..different. You weren’t smaller, you were older--taller. He saw you from a distance, walking along your mother. No this wasn’t right, he saw it only a few weeks before, you were a child.

You saw it too, but what you saw was how you remembered it. You were so young your mother held your hand as you walked below the sun. The more you focused on it, the more the pain left and was banished from your body. You relaxed into the bed, and Kylo opened his eyes with a troubled look on his face. Your eyes fluttered open and he was quick to remove his fingers from your hair, and got off the bed. You sat there for a moment and slowly pulled yourself up.

Everything was gone. You were still tired, but the pain and haziness was gone. You rubbed your face before looking at the man towering above you. He didn’t try to put his gloves or helmet back on, instead he stared at you.

“Thank you,” you managed, and cleared your throat, “do you. . . know what that was?”

“Not what,” he paused, “who.”

“Who?” you slowly pushed your legs over the edge, keeping one folded beneath you and the other hanging off the edge.

He was silent and you narrowed your brows at him, “You know  _ who  _ it was?”

He didn’t answer you, you glared at him and pushed yourself off the bed. He watched you wobble for a moment, before pointing right at him, “Fine, don’t tell me. . . Tell me what happened on Jakku.”

“You got shot,” he answered simply and turned his back to you, slipping his gloves back on. You rolled your eyes at the back of his head.

“Thanks Commander Obvious, but  _ what the fuck  _ happened after,” you paused and motioned your hands around, “one minute I’m there laying on the ground staring at the stars, the next I feel you in my head and that’s it. Just blank after that.”

“I. . . Put you to sleep,” he said slowly, clenching his hands together before he moved towards his helmet.

“Put me to sleep,” you mumbled to yourself, turning your body as he walked, “and why would you do that?”

“I pitied you,” he said sharply, grabbing his helmet and holding it in his hands, “you looked like a dying wombat.”

You gaped at him for a moment, and glared as he gripped his helmet in his large hands, “And on the Command Ship? They told me my wound healed instantly,” you saw him pause as he straightened his back, still not facing you, “that was you. Wasn’t it?”

He didn’t answer, so you took a shaky step toward him, “Tell me,” you pressed.

“Yes, I did it,” he nearly yelled, turning to face you quickly. You stopped in your place, and he took slow steps towards you. He was intimidating, he towered over you and with each step more of his shadow covered you. You swallowed the lump in your throat when he was right in front of you. Silence cut through the air, the only sound you could hear was the sound of each other's breaths. You rubbed your lips together for a moment.

“Why.”

He tilted his head, not looking away from your gaze. A challenge, like who would look away first, or blink. You didn’t move, now did you look as he threw his robe off and it pooled at your feet. You could just see from your peripheral as he tugged what looked to be a belt from his waist, and his eyes grew darker.

He was annoyed, irritated.

Suddenly, he pulled the bottom of his black shirt up and tossed it to the floor. You took a second to stare at him a moment more before averting your eyes down his chest. . . and that’s when you saw it.

The same spot you were shot in, but on him, was covered in a darker bruise then yours. You stared for a moment before looking back up at him, shock apparent in your eyes. He hadn’t looked away, but did avert his gaze when you lifted the hem of your shirt, and he saw the same bruise on you. He squinted for a moment before looking back at you. He shook his head a bit, and almost in unison you both said, outloud.

“What the fuck?”


	5. Coincidence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oop hello there :) we're getting to the juicy stuff guys AH

The silence that filled the room was both uncomfortable and welcomed. Uncomfortable because you sat on your bed and the Commander paced around the room, and welcomed because you didn’t know what to say. Neither did he apparently. You weren’t sure if the fact he had nothing to say worried you, or made you ecstatic that this really could just be nothing. But there he was, he paced back and forth in front of you with his hands behind his back and staring at the ground. He had put his shirt back on, thankfully, and marched around your quarters.

It was nothing. It was truly nothing.

Suddenly he stopped, and rushed to you, grasping your shoulders in his large hands, and shook you roughly, “For  _ once  _ can you just stop your  _ incessant  _ thinking!”

He released you but you gaped at him in shock. Hee began to pace the room once more, and ignored your stare. Your fist balled at your side as you now stared at the wall. Fury rose in you as he truly had made your blood boil. Of all the people in the galaxy you were stuck with, it just had to be him. The most incessant, irritating, self-centered, anger ridden man you had ever had the fucking luck of coming on contact with. If you could go back in time and refuse this assignment, you would.

You glanced his way when you had finally noticed he stopped his paces, and found him to be staring at you. You scoffed, and looked back to the wall.

“What now,” you mumbled.

“What are you doing,” he asked. You shrugged.

“What, like you can’t  _ hear me _ ,” the last two words came out in a mimicked voice. He rolled his eyes.

“I can’t actually,” he paused when you looked back at him, “you’re silent for once.”

“That’s too bad, I was hoping you could hear every name I was calling you,” you said in a sarcastic tone. He raised his hand like he was going to say something but balled it into a fist, he decided it wasn’t worth his time to argue with you. He grumbled and turned his back to you.

“I have heard stories, about something like this,” he started, and you shifted a bit to view his back in full, “but it’s never been seen, not for generations.”

“What is it?” You asked.

He turned to look at you, but shook his head, “It’s not possible. It can only occur between two Force-sensitive people, you? You’re just,” he paused and you crossed your arms over your chest.

“Just what,” you egged him on.

“No one. You are no one. You come from nothing, so you are nothing.” He said simply. He walked over to his robe and proceeded to put it on, also putting his lightsaber back onto his hip. He could feel your stare on his back, and heard you stand from your position.

“You may think I’m nothing,” you laughed a bit, and shook your head, “what about you? You hide behind that mask, that name, like it’s a shield. I can accept my past. . . But can you?”

It was relatively insightful, your words, and he had turned around to see you finish your sentence. He stood there for a moment, and you thought he would retaliate, but he didn’t. Instead he glanced you over and marched to the door. As it slid open he paused only for a moment, but slid his helmet on into place and left you alone.

The question you weren’t directly asking him did make his mind wonder as he headed for his personal quarters. His stomp made people turn to look but carry on as if they feared him. They probably did. And he relished in that fact. His mind had wandered before he found himself in his familiar space, and removed his helmet once more. His hair fell freely around his face and he gripped his helmet in one of his hands, and stared at it for a few moments.

It was intricate in design. He took great pride in his work. It was meant to be menacing, it wasn’t just a mask he hid behind. No no not at all. It was him. He was Kylo Ren. The strongest of the Knights of Ren. It was all  _ him _ .

He had a special place for his helmet, and it went there perfectly displayed. He detached his robe and folded it neatly away, and his lightsaber went perfectly by his helmet. He removed both of his boots and sat in a chair, and grabbed hold of his datapad to scour through something. He needed to know.

He typed away as he worked to pull up a particular file. He had never looked into it, but the revelations today felt as if it was time. He easily pulled up your file and began to skim through it. Most of the information he knew, so it was a fast read. What was odd though, was this record was only four years old years old. The Academy they often recruited from was a six year program, and you stated you had been on Starkiller for two years. It even said it here. He set the datapad down on his leg as he processed that information.

Something was not adding up. With this and today’s events in his mind, he grumbled a bit to himself. The presence ehe felt inside your mind, he knew it far too well; he had felt it in his too many times. His master's involvement puzzled him, and he was sure he would be requesting his presence soon about his part in pushing him from your mind.

Whatever it was, it made him. . . Uneasy.

* * *

You didn’t see the Commander after that for quite a few days. You were cleared to return to work, but not scheduled to return to Starkiller for another day. For now, you were assigned a desk job and the time was passing by slower than you had hoped for.

In all honesty, the lack of his presence around you, and in your mind, was troubling. Why? You didn’t really know why, but you seemed to be blocking your thoughts from him either way, so maybe this was for the better. Whatever  _ this  _ is, you want no part in it. You just want to return to your duties, and be done with everything on this Finalizer.

Your shift was finally coming to an end. You relished in the sudden freedom and was on your way to maybe get something to eat when suddenly you were pulled to the side into an empty room.

“What-” you were cut off by the sight of the Stormtrooper you were suddenly becoming friends with, you shook your head at him, “-what are you doing?”

“I don’t know,” he said honestly, he had his helmet on his hip, “I messed up, on Jakku, I disobeyed orders and they saw-”

“Who? Who saw? What are you talking about?” You asked between his rambles. He took a deep breath.

“Ren ordered us to fire on those villagers and I-I didn’t. I couldn’t. Phasma saw me. He saw me too.”

You looked at him with sincerity, because the fear in his eyes made something in you twitch. You knew what he was trying to say. You knew what may happen to him.

“Why are you telling me this, Finn?” You asked.

“The Resistance pilot, he’s here,” you blinked at him and he shifted, “I’m. . I’m going to help him escape.”

“You’re gonna do  _ what _ ,” you asked, and he tried to hush you, “that’s insane! If they get ahold of you-”

“They won’t,” he cut you off, “I just. . I know they won't.”

You stared at him as you let his revelations sink in, and then he grabbed your arm, “Come with me.”

“What?”

“The First Order, what they’re doing, what they’re planning--it isn’t right!” He said. You abruptly shook your head.

“No I-”

“What’s stopping you?” he asked suddenly. You stopped the shaking of your head to stare at him, and he continued, “I see how you’re treated. And they didn’t even care when you almost  _ died _ .”

“I can never support the Resistance,” you quickly spat, and took your arm from his grasp, “what they stand for, what they came from. No. . Never.”

His eyes turned into soft glares, “For peace? Freedom?”

“The New Republic destroyed my home,” you said, “they took everything from me. My world, my people, my family,” you shook your head and saw his eyes begin to soften, “I can’t. I won’t.”

Silence fell between you two, and your friend grimaced at you, he looked to his helmet and said, “Are you going to stop me?”

It was a loaded question, and he looked back up to meet your eyes. You sighed a bit and closed your eyes for a moment to process it, before you met his eyes again.

“No.”

You didn’t know if your answer took him by surprise, but the moment the word settled into his mind he embraced you in a hug. You stood there for a moment as his arms were around you, before you carefully wrapped your around him, and patted his armour. He released you after a couple of seconds and nodded at you.

“If you change your mind. . .”

“Yeah, right,” you said knowingly. He slid his helmet back on and disappeared out the door, and with one final look at you he disappeared. You stepped out of the room as well and stood in the middle of people’s way for a moment as you began to process what just happened. It took you a couple of moments before you started back on the path you were on. Food. You would just get some food and ignore the fact you knew a stormtrooper was about to attempt to break out a resistance prisoner.

You made it to a mess hall and grabbed something you could easily carry back to your temporary quarters. Just to keep your pace, you could make it. Only a few minutes had passed, there was no need to panic. That would make you look guilty-

The ship shook and everyone around you stopped to balance themselves. The alarms started to sound and you sighed to yourself. Just one day. All you want is one day without anything extraordinary happening to you, or around you! Just back to the way things were a couple weeks ago!

People rushed around you and you were quick to head back to your quarters. If you could just get there and seemingly ignore the chaos around you then you would be a happy happy camper. The ship lurked again, the floor beneath you shook in a violent manner and you cursed the stormtrooper for his Resistance favoring consciousness. But if what he told you was right, maybe he could survive with them. He wouldn’t against Phasma. Or Ren for that matter.

You finally made it back and relaxed against the door. There were a few more shakes but the ship finally settled. You started to pace your room, and chomped away at the apple you had grabbed to quench your hunger. You grew on edge when you swore you could feel Ren’s presence near your door. The anxiety, the frustration, anger. . . It was him alright.

You moved to the door before it could be thrown open on its own and pushed the button for it to open freely. There he stood, in his dark robes and helmet, on the other side and stared at you. You bit into your apple as you met his stare before turning back around to pace in your quarters.

“How did you tell it was me-”

“Because you ooze self deprecation,” you cut him off. He came into your quarters, fist twisted.

“I’m not in the mood for your comments,” he said, and you turned back to face him.

“Then why are you here, Commander?” You asked.

“Because I know you came in contact with trooper FN-2187 before he broke the Resistance pilot from out capture,” he shouted, and you froze, “did you help him?”

“What? No! Of course not!”

He let out an unimpressed hm, and looked around your space. It wasn’t much to look at, but he did glance it over.

“So. . . That’s it? Are you going to dispose of me? Turn me over to Phasma?”

He looked back to you and stared at you silently for a few moments. You grew uncomfortable so took another bite of the apple in your hand, which finally made him shake his head.

“I deleted the footage,” he said. You suddenly inhaled, the piece of apple went down the wrong tube and you sputtered because of it. It definitely was not an answer you had expected. He watched you cough and pat your chest as you regain your composure, and he audibly sighed.

“You’re hopeless,” he mumbled, and ignored the glare you sent his way. You finally spoke, but the words were quiet as your chest recovered.

“You’re insufferable.”

“You’re running out of insults, I see,” he calmly said, walking over to a corner of the room, “tell me. What did FN-2187 want with you anyway?”

“What, like you don’t know?” You managed.

“You’ve been successful in blocking me from your mind these last few days,” he commented casually, his voice hidden beneath that stupid vocoder, “ease my apprehension in trusting you. What did he want.”

He stated it more than asked. You threw the apple core away and shook your head, “He wanted me to join him. I told him no.”

“Ah,” left his mouth, “tell me, why is that? Why do you detest the Resistance as much as I do?”

You crossed your arms over your chest, “What like you don’t know? You looked into my mind.”

He pondered for a moment. Ah, yes, that memory of the girl in the woods. You in the woods. The memory that didn’t add up the second time he saw it, “Your home. . . They’re responsible for its destruction?”

“The New Republic was,” you clarified, which made him nod, “what was lost falls all on their shoulders.”

Kylo let out a satisfied hm, and he paced closer to you, “Maybe you aren’t as much a lost cause as I first believed.”

You rolled your eyes and sighed, “What do you want, Ren?”

The casual use of his name, and the tone in your voice made him stop in his tracks. You looked. . . disheveled, tired of his presence, and he felt his fist tighten at his side. But you didn’t react, no you kept your hold on his eyes behind his helmet. He lightly rubbed his fingers together, and took another step forward.

“I can help you find the truth about it,” he whispered, “the people responsible for taking your family from you.”

That seemed to catch your attention. It was just the bait he needed you to nibble on. It wasn’t truly for you, no he needed to get to the bottom of this. Of you. Something felt wrong in the Force. But that flicker in your eyes, and the raise of your brow told him all he needed to know. You were intrigued by his words.

“Why do you suddenly want to help me?”

Your questions were insufferable, but it did make him search for an answer. One that would satisfy you. As the silence lingered you crossed your arms over your chest, and he finally erupted and said, “Because you interest me.”

Your expression turned from a glare to shock. You gaped at him once and then twice before you closed it and stared at him. He could make out your tongue running over your teeth as you pondered what he said. You sighed and shook your head, but your arms unfolded into a pat on your legs.

“Okay. Fine.” you finally said.

He nodded and moved past you to the door, and you turned to watch him leave, but he paused, and motioned to you, “We return to Starkiller in the morning. We can start there.”

You nodded, and then he was gone. You stood there for a moment before you glanced back around your quarters and closed your eyes briefly. Had that gone the way you expected? No. Definitely not. From him erasing the evidence not in your favour, to that last comment you were shocked and a bit mortified at the exchange.

You interested him. What does that even mean? As in you or because of this connection you two had? No. No, there was no connection. A coincidence. It was all just coincidental. These last few weeks that’s all it was going to be in your mind! Coincidences.

Kylo Ren was just a mere coincidence. His presence, his interests, everything would be just a coincidence. You would find out who was behind the death of your family, and finally you could move on from that hurt. Stop having that dream every night of losing them. You could find peace and not feel so small and belittled anymore. Kylo Ren would help you. That was it.


End file.
